Excellent Satire

I have to give credit where credit is due for this excellent article. It is pure satire. Warning: if you are a Democrat you may be deeply offended by what you read.

Thank you, louisianaconservative, for this insightful article:

Why I am Switching to the Democrat Party (Inspired By Boasso)

It’s been hard for me to write lately, but not because of a lack of inspiration. I have been extremely inspired by Walter Boasso, the Demo switched Repub switched Demo. Like Walter Boasso who would schedule as guest speaker to Republican organizations only to back out at the last second, I too, feel that it is very inappropriate to continue pushing a conservative agenda while the issue isn’t settled whether I’d be a Republican or a Democrat.

But the time has come for me to let the public know that I have finally reached a decision and to explain that decision to the readers of Louisiana Conservative Dot Com. I am indeed, planning on switching parties. I have every intention of registering as a Democrat. It would not be fair to my readers for me to stand so strongly for conservative issues when it does not represent what I stand for.

I am still the same person I was yesterday and the day before, or last weekend, or the month before. I am still who I am, just with changes to reflect who I am when you first meet me. Other than these changes everything else is still the same, the brain is the same brain, the heart is the same heart, I did not have any organ transplants. I am still the same person.

So let me explain to you why I have ultimately decided to switch to the Democrat party. When you stop to think about it, it’s a very easy decision to make. It’s a very easy decision for any of us to make, and I’d like to encourage you to think about how easy it would be for you to switch to the Democrat party as well.

It’s much easier because I can stand for whatever I want to stand for and call it compassion. It’s easy because I can accuse people who are against “illegal immigration” as being hypocrites and anti-immigrant. I can just lump them into a single category and call them racist. It doesn’t matter what they say, because I care and they don’t.

I can hate Christians, doing everything I can to keep them out of the process, but feel very warm and caring towards a religion, in which people often tie bombs to theirselves and kill everybody who disagrees with them. Who cares if radical Muslims kill innocent people on the other side planet and who want to kill Americans for being infidels when we have Christians here who want to force people to read the Ten Commandments? Do you realize that if people read the Ten Commandments, they might actually obey them? If people obey the Ten Commandments, they might stop murdering, and if they stop murdering, there will be less executions, and if that happens, I’d have one more reason to get a job and one less reason to run around protesting. I like Tookie Williams, he wrote a children’s book. He likes telling little kids stories, in fact, I’ll bet he even read a story to those two kids before he murdered them.

Why should we try to stop Islamo-fascist from killing us? Afterall, when you stop to think about it, they are just like you and me, except with bombs tied to them and reason missing from their brains. I mean what have Muslim terrorists ever done to America? So you say 9-11? Well that really isn’t true because it was our fault for electing George Bush and we all know Bush lied, that it was really a conspiracy. Truth is, the towers never even fell. They still exist, but Bush moved the Towers to a special location because he wanted the American people to support him so he can get revenge for his daddy. George Bush gave the towers to England as payment for their support in the war and the Towers are underneath ‘Downing Street’. It’s easy to bury you head in the sand and say it was all just an illusion.

I want to say 3,000 soldier deaths is the equivalent of the 58,000 lives we lost in Vietnam. It’s the same thing. Maybe next time we get into a war, we’ll only lose ten lives before we quit. Quitting is easy. Like many of you, I want to go to war, support my country as we launch an attack onto another country, but once it starts getting bloody, I want to quit. I want to follow public opinion, worry about what other people think about me, and no matter what, always act like only my position is the only way to be compassionate. Why should we kill people just because they are going to kill us? After all, it’s not nearly as awful as those right wing christian extremist who want to take away a woman’s right to choose.

I want to put my personal interests above my country’s interests. That’s what Patriotism is. Patriotism is when a politicians thinks gaining seats in congress for his political party is more important than the well being of his country. Why would anybody think Patriotism is putting your country ahead of your own personal interests? That’s just silly to say that because if that were the case, then I’d say that Patriotism has long left this country. You’d be hard pressed to find ten congressmen out of over 500 who put this country ahead of their own political interests, and that’s not including our state officials.

I have an American flag in my home, but switching parties probably means I’m going to have to get rid of it. Like many of you had to do after 9-11, if, well when my country gets attacked again, I want to have to run out to Wal-mart and buy a flag so I can wave it around and show how ‘Patriotic’ I am. Oh, that’s right, I can’t shop at Wal-mart anymore, that would be unpatriotic. I suppose I’ll have to complain about the practices of Wal-mart, such as giving elderly people a low paying job, even though the company I work for won’t even give elderly people a job. Truth is, the real reason I must hate Wal-mart is because they donate to the Republican party and how dare they not give all their money to the Democrat party?

It’s easy to switch to the Democrat party because I want to live forever. I want to live forever and I want you to pick up the expenses of my healthcare. Why should I have to die when you have plenty of money in your pocket to pay for my doctors? Why should I live in fear of anything? I want to support every single new law that comes out, especially if I can call myself compassionate while looking out for my best interests. I want to prohibit smoking in every place, even in your own home. I want to make guns illegal. I want to accuse hunters of wanting to go hunting with an AK-47. Why do you even need a gun with real bullets to go hunting? You can go in the backyard and kill pigeons with a BB gun, it’s just as exciting and shooting deer with a bazooka.

I want to hate the rich, because it’s easy to blame them for my poverty, even though many of them came from poverty. At the same time, I want to idolize rich guys who make all the money in their country and keep everybody else poor. I want to hate George Bush for being for the rich, and for being a dictator, while praising Hugo Chavez and Fidel Castro who are the rich guys who keeps an entire country in poverty and tramples on the freedoms of the people. That too me is real democracy from now own, because I am a Democrat.

I want to be narcissistic enough to believe I am God-like, that I have the power to destroy the planet, thus have the power to save the planet. I want to worship people like Al Gore, who preach to the rest of us how we ought to live, while doing 20 times more to ‘destroy’ the planet than the average Joe. I like lecturing people, telling them to use safe lightbulbs that contain mercury, telling them to flush their toilets once a week, and to use only one sheet of toilet paper except with those occassional ‘messy situations’. I’m better than you now, so do what I say, not as I do.

I want to vote Democrat because it’s easier than getting a job. I want to sit at home everyday, watching Oprah Winfrey, Jerry Springer, and Montel Williams and collect a welfare check. I want to tell people I am a ‘Professional Daytime Talkshow Analyst’ because it’s a compassionate term. I want to take the easy way out, and blame you Republicans because I can’t find a job.

I don’t want my country helping oil companies get rich by allowing them to drill for oil anywhere. Not in Anwar, not in the gulf, not anywhere I say, I say. If we did that, than wouldn’t the supply only become more, thus driving down the price of gasoline? If we did that, then how can I blame George Bush for the high price of gasoline? And how would my new hero, Hugo Chavez, get richer and keep the people of Venezuela poor if the price of gas decreased?

I want government to solve every single one of my problems, because my problems aren’t because of my lifestyle choices, but because life is unfair. Would we be any less of a free country if government passed more and more laws? I say no. Government has a duty, not to protect our freedom, but to protect us from dying. If I make a mistake, why should I learn from it? Government should make laws to prevent you from making stupid decisions that affect my life, but it shouldn’t keep me from making stupid decisions that affect your life. For example, if I choose to stay home and smoke marijuana all day long, and make children with several different women, why should you judge me? You just need to keep your mouth shut and pay for my lifestyle choices because you have the money to pay for it. Don’t lecture me with ‘if you can’t feed em, don’t breed em’. Just pay and keep your mouth shut because I am now a Democrat. That’s what government ought to do, make you pay for my choices and stay out of my life, but to make sure you’re doing exactly what I think you ought to do.

Government ought to tell businesses how much you have to pay me, how many days I should get off, how many days off that you have to pay me for, what you can sell and when you can sell it. Government ought to regulate how you run your business and make sure that you are taking care of my needs too.

I also can enjoy sex now that I am a Democrat. Yes, you can expect me to start talking about sex. I can make judgements about people concerning sex now. As a Democrat, it’s my duty to judge Republicans because of sex. You see, I can tell people to wear condoms, love homosexuals, encourage people to ‘explore their sexuality’ and to criticize you self righteous Republicans who want to stick your nose into my bedroom. I will call myself ‘open-minded’ and run around acting like I discovered sex yesterday. I guess this means I have too start watching a lot more porn, does that mean I’d be sticking my nose into their bedrooms? Because I do this, I can be completely appalled when I stick my nose into other people’s bedroom and find out that somebody molested a child.

There are some more benefits to switching to the Democrat party. I get to talk about how much I am for love, freedom of speech, and self righteous people. At the same time I get to hate George Bush and Republicans, try to silence people I disagree with like Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, even people that I normally would agree with like Don Imus. The best part about this, is that I get to do all this because I am compassionate, I care, I am intellectual, I am always right. I am perfect, and because I am perfect, the world cannot be perfect until everybody agrees with me. In the words of another one of my new found heros- John Lennon, “Maybe someday you will join us, and the world will be as one.” You see, we’re perfect, we don’t need to change. You have to change and then the world will be good.